


Hold My Hand

by loonagarbage



Series: The Loona Lesbiverse [6]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/F, Fluff, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 00:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19841665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonagarbage/pseuds/loonagarbage
Summary: When Hyejoo moves to the big city, she's absolutely overwhelmed by the new environment, new school, and new people. The girl is dreading a repeat of her previous high school experience characterized by social isolation and anxiety, but is instead met with Chaewon. A bond forms, but just how strong will it get? Or, more importantly, how strong will Hyejoo let it get?





	Hold My Hand

**Author's Note:**

> ~comments are greatly appreciated~

****__

**_Hyejoo’s POV_ **

My head on the windowsill was cold from the brisk wind blowing through the open crack, but I didn’t care. The clouds had finally started to be visible after hours of aimless staring with my raw, burning eyes, just as the sun peaked up over the horizon. I’d been staring out at the sky for hours now, just watching, waiting. It wasn’t like I had anything better to do, since there wasn’t even the slightest chance of me sleeping.

My stomach was in such tight knots it nearly made me double over. My room was still half-packed up in hastily labeled boxes stacked in the corners. All I’d had in me to unpack had been my bedspread and pillow, only to find myself not necessarily needing it anyway. If I slept at all, I hardly remembered it. No, my mind was far too preoccupied with running itself ragged from its overthinking.

First day of school again. It wasn’t really fair, the more and more I thought about it - I’d already gone through this terrible day that year. Now it was happening all over again, just because dad decided to accept the job “mid-quarter” instead of waiting. I didn’t care if it paid better. I’d rather be poor somewhere familiar than well off in some new city I’d never been to in my life. Whatever slight comfort I’d found in routine was gone now. I had nothing to cling to, nothing that I knew here. It was all different and loud and bustling and hectic and I just... didn’t like it. I realized as soon as we got there and got stuck in traffic for hours that this wasn’t the place for me, but what say did I have? I was just along for the ride.

Once the sun was up, I felt validated enough to drag myself out of bed and put on the new school uniform I’d gotten. Mom had ironed it to near perfection. I made my hair straight as a pin, like usual, put on my shoes, and paced for what must’ve been the next hour. I was surprised I didn’t wear a rut in my wood floor, nursing my lower lip between my teeth as I willed the tightness in my chest to let up instead of consume me.

New school. New people. New teachers. New peers. New locker, new classes, new building, new subjects, new cliques, new uniforms, new bullies, new _everything_. It was getting difficult to take a good breath in. Right as I felt my hands starting to shake, I frantically clasped them together and sat down on the edge of my bed. It wasn’t the time to panic. It really wasn’t. My nervous energy spread from my hands down to my feet as my legs nervously bounced up and down like I was being electrocuted. It wasn’t something I could avoid. I had to go to school. I had to deal with this, and I had to learn all these new things until they weren’t new anymore. And realizing that almost made me feel like I was gonna puke.

My door was opened without a knock, my mother’s groggy face poking through the crack at me. She wasn’t surprised to see I was already up. Instead of speaking, she gave me what I could only describe as a curt nod and a weathered smile before walking out of sight down the hall.

I loaded my backpack up with a few empty notebooks and various school supplies, hoping it’d make me feel better prepared, but it did nothing of the sort. What if I was forgetting something I desperately needed, and I was forced to ask some other kid for it instead? What if I brought too many things to be safe, and my backpack was too heavy so I’d trip and fall in the hallway right in front of everyone? I was trying _so_ hard to put a positive spin on things in my screwed up brain, trying to tell myself that this was a clean slate and it didn’t have to be a repeat of my last school if I didn’t want it to be, but more than anything I felt powerless.

Breakfast was borderline silent. Mom flitted about in the kitchen, making food for us. Dad eventually came downstairs, ruffling the top of my head slightly as he passed by to fill his mug with coffee. I batted his hand weakly away from the contact and fumbled to fix my hair. All of this was familiar, which was the weirdest part. We were in such a new place, such a strange place, and everything felt off kilter and wrong, but somehow this was the same. It didn’t make sense. If anything it made me feel even more like a freak, because mom and dad were acting so normal and I felt so potently _abnormal_ ** _._** Was it just me...? Probably.

My stomach was still in such painful knots that I didn’t touch the food mom put in front of me. Just looking at it practically made me queasy. She didn’t bother to question why, either from not noticing or not caring, it’s impossible to tell really. Dad scarfed down a few pieces of bread, took two long sips of his black coffee, placed some neat papers into his briefcase and headed for the door. I think he may have said some fleeting comment regarding my “big first day,” but it sounded like white noise - drowned out entirely by how loud my thoughts were.

Mom kept puttering around, humming, seeming so content. “Hyejoo-yah, I want you to finish unpacking when you get home alright?” I nodded. “Do you know the way to school? You can look that sort of thing up on your phone if you get lost, right?” I nodded. “I’m making your lunch now, don’t forget to put it in your bag. I’ll be upset if I see it left on the counter.” I nodded.

She stepped in my line of sight, forcefully snapping me out of the nearly robotic state I’d been sent into. When I got that anxious, I sort of shut down to cope. Strangely, it tended to work more than actually trying to process things.

“Sweetie, how’re you feeling? Did you sleep well?” She tilted her head at me, and I couldn’t help but notice the streak of gray hairs growing in around her roots. She was normally meticulous about those. Maybe she was stressed about this whole move, too, despite not showing it at all. I never understood how people hid their stress so well. I was a walking, talking advertisement for the visible effects that stress has on a person.

“Yes.” I mumbled to her, not able to meet her eyes. She didn’t need to know I hadn’t slept a wink. What good would that do her? She’d just worry. She didn’t have to worry.

“Good. Now Hyejoo, try and make some friends today alright?” Her optimism was absolutely ineffective. “It’s your first day, and you’re new in the middle of the school year, so you’re sure to make quite an entrance. I bet kids will just be lining up to introduce themselves, and you should take advantage of that!” I knew that she was saying all this as an indirect way to politely request I don’t become a social recluse again. As if that’d been my choice. I’d never asked to be the target of everyone’s teasing. Nobody ever really asked for that.

She was trying to help, but honestly, the image of kids “lining up to introduce themselves” seemed like my personal version of hell. I just barely repressed the urge to literally groan aloud at the sudden realization that I’d probably have to go through the whole “Hi, my name’s Hyejoo” thing at the start of every class I had. Instead I just buried my face into my hands for a few lingering moments, wondering how the hell I was even gonna make it through this day.

What mom said really rubbed me the wrong way. She acted like “making friends” was so simple and easy, like it was second nature, and yeah, maybe it was for her. It never had been for me. I could count the amount of “friends” I’d had in my entire life on one hand, and that’d always been the case. Talking to people was just... not my strong suit. It wasn’t like I could blame mom for not knowing that, though. Just because I refused to open up to her, or anyone, about anything wasn’t their fault. They couldn’t force me to talk, so I didn’t. Talking about even the most generic, bland things was incredibly difficult for me, let alone opening up about my deeper insecurities and prevailing anxieties. As if.

Sighing quietly to myself, I slid my hands down my face and just nodded wordlessly again.

“You should probably get going, honey,” She took the liberty of taking my backpack from the floor and putting my lunchbox inside. I slid it onto my shoulders and shrugged a bit, adjusting to the weight. “It’s a fresh start. Not many people get to have those, so try and make the most of it okay?” Her optimistic tone had faded. That somehow sounded more like an order than a polite suggestion, which was more of the sentiment I’d expected anway.

“I’ll do my best.” I muttered blandly, swallowing down the sarcastic tinge that threatened to be attached to the statement.

This “fresh start” was starting to seem more like rotten dejavu.

***

“Hi, I-I’m Son Hyejoo.” I spoke softly from the back of the room, where I’d chosen to sit. Some boy marched in shortly after I had and told me sternly that I was in his seat, so I had to move over one. For a fleeting moment I wondered if I should somehow try to introduce myself to him and “make a new friend,” but then I decided against it because he stuck his gum beneath the desk he sat at. Not exactly friend material.

“Can you speak up please? We’re having a hard time hearing you in the front, here.” My new biology teacher spoke up from the chalkboard.

I swallowed what I knew was a lump in my throat, hating that he’d made me stand up for this and hating that I could feel so many pairs of eyes on me all at once. I knew I was blushing, I could feel the heat lingering on my cheeks. This was absolute torture.

“ _Son Hyejoo_.” I muttered my name again, forcing my volume higher than it ever truly wanted to be. I gripped onto the sides of my desk with white knuckles, ready to shoot back down in my seat and hide my head behind my books until everyone forgot I existed.

“Welcome, Hyejoo! It’s a pleasure to have you here. I’m sure you’ll receive a warm welcome, our students are known for their hospitality.” This teacher was way too chipper. At first I thought it might be a good thing but now it was just unsettling. Yeah, I bet the girl who stifled a weak laugh at my initial stutter was super duper welcoming.

I forced the weakest, most pitiful smile I could manage, and he finally turned the collective class’s attention away from me. I sat down so fast I probably bent the seat of my chair from the sheer velocity of it, instantly ducking my head and doing my best to blink away the burning in my eyes. He started to proceed with the lesson - something I had an incredibly hard time following because I was starting out in the middle of course material I’d never been exposed to. My hand was all shaky so my notes were barely even legible, and I kept hearing scattered giggles from people around the room. Were they laughing about me? Were they laughing _at_ me? Could they see that I was still shaking, from the introduction I’d given nearly half an hour before? It only made me shake even harder. This day wasn’t going well at _all_.

The hallways had such an abrasive atmosphere. It was literally the epitome of everything I’d worried about: I didn’t know where to go, who to talk to, nothing. I was totally lost. After wandering for what must’ve been close to fifteen minutes, I stumbled upon my next class and hovered outside the door until the teacher opened it, not wanting anyone to see me or even try to talk to me. It’d be too much. I was already so overwhelmed by just... _everything._

I took a deep breath when I was forced to stand yet again, “Hyejoo. Son Hyejoo.” I spoke as loudly as my voice could manage just so I wouldn’t have to repeat myself, and sat back down before I was given permission. The teacher didn’t seem to like that but I couldn’t exert the mental effort to worry about it, since I was already so dreadfully worried about absolutely everything else.

Lunch was next. The kids all shot out of their seats when the bell rang and swarmed out the one exit door, leaving the classroom an empty husk. I stood last and walked nervously up to the teacher, wondering if it would be out of line for me to ask to eat in her classroom instead of with the other kids. I resisted the urge, instead speaking up softly, “E-Excuse me, where’s the cafeteria?”

I’d suspected it’d be the worst for me in there. Really, I had. But I’d underestimated just how bad it’d be. People flocked to their usual seats at the arranged patterns of tables, drawn there naturally and without even the slightest thought. Cliques and groups of friends were so clearly pre-formed and established that as I stood there, watching it all happen, I’d never felt more alone in my entire life.

Nobody here knew me, and I didn’t know any of them. Even if I wanted to try and be brave (not gonna happen) I wouldn’t know where to start - who was a safe bet to befriend? Who was secretly the devil? Who would tease me behind my back even if they acted nice right to my face? There was no way of knowing, I had no base knowledge to go off of like I had in my old school system, and it absolutely terrified me.

I couldn’t be there. My composure was thinning faster and faster with every passing second I stared at these unfamiliar faces. Trying desperately to regulate my breaths before they got too audibly uneven, I left the cafeteria and followed some vaguely helpful signs to duck into the nearest bathroom. It was pretty empty. Most people were at lunch. Regardless of who was in there to potentially witness my distress, I couldn’t stop it from happening. That familiar anxiety started to morph into sheer, utter panic.

I just didn’t know what to do, what was I supposed to _do?_ I didn’t want anyone to notice me, if they noticed me, they’d make fun of me somehow, because I always managed to do something wrong no matter how hard I tried. Should I just sit alone? But that was so sad. I didn’t want anyone to pity me. Then they’d tease me for that. Should I try to be bold, sit at someone’s side and act as if I was far more confident than I’d ever been in my life? No. I couldn’t. There was no way.

I braced my trembling form against the sink, staring into the mirror at the way my eyes were getting red around the rims. There were dark circles beneath them.

_Get it together, Hyejoo, it’s okay. You can’t break down right now, please, don’t break down, please_. All of my inhales were getting caught at the top of my chest, so that the air somehow felt like it was suffocating me. I swallowed hard, shutting my burning eyes, trying to pull myself back out of this descent I’d started to enter. _This can’t be your routine. Lunch happens every day, you can’t avoid it. You need to eat, so go eat. Just sit there and eat. Like normal. Just lie to yourself, pretend you’re normal._ I ran my hands down my face before clutching weakly at my chest. My heart was going a million miles a minute, but I’d just barely managed to make my brain rational enough for a few seconds so that I could talk myself down. A miracle, truly.

I picked a seat in the cafeteria at a table close to the wall, sitting at its furthest end and hoping I’d blend into the scenery. I took out my lunch box and was comforted ever so slightly by the familiar sight of it, just desperate for something that I _knew_ and didn’t have any surprises, even if it was something literally as small as the box that held my food. My hands shook so much that they struggled to undo its metal clasp. The murmur of happy, excited, friendly conversation that filled the whole room only provided conflicted ambience for me. I wished I had someone to talk to. I wished someone even wanted to talk to me. But there I was, all by myself. I wasn’t sure why I’d assumed this would go any different. I guess some of mom’s optimism had rubbed off on me after all.

Feeling alone wasn’t new for me. If I really thought about it, I’d been alone my entire life. Back home before we’d moved, I’d only had one “friend,” and even using that term is a bit of a stretch. It was always me who had to initiate everything, always me who got presents for her birthday, always me who asked how her day was and went out of my way to sit near her in classes or at lunch. She absolutely didn’t care whether or not I was there, and I was in denial about that for a long time. I was probably more of an annoyance than a friend toward the end. She had so many other people she could hangout with, who she _preferred_ to hangout with. I was just a tagalong. Sometimes people would literally ask her, “Why’s Hyejoo here?” if she ever did bother to bring me anywhere. That always stung. They didn’t even try to hide it when they asked, as if I wasn’t literally right there to hear the question.

I think the saddest thing about it was that I still missed her, even though I was sure she didn’t care at all that I was gone. She hadn’t so much as flinched when I told her I was moving. I wished she was there, with me then, to sit at lunch and completely ignore me while she scrolled through her phone. At least then if anyone looked over it would at least _seem_ like I had a friend.

I did my best to stare down at my food and not at other people. It’d be creepy if someone noticed some random girl eying them from across the cafeteria. Every now and then I’d sneak a glance up, at all the people laughing, talking, smiling, and my chest would constrict again with such an intense envy. I was so _sick_ of being... weird. More than anything I wished I wasn’t so damn _scared_ of _everything_ and that I could just act like a normal person and go up to someone, introduce myself, sit down, interact. Everyone else seemed to do it without a care in the world, so why couldn’t--

“Hi!” A bright, soft voice spoken from my side made me physically jump slightly, snapped out of my train of thought. My whole body stiffened like stone as I looked toward the speaker. It was a girl, a kind of small girl, with blond, wavy hair down past her shoulders and a smile so broad it actually somehow managed to make my chest feel less tight. Her eyes twinkled warmly. Was she talking to me...?  
  


Confused and absolutely baffled, I looked over my shoulder instinctively - assuming this was some sort of mistake. Unluckily for me, I was an idiot, and I forgot that I’d sat in front of a wall, so all that I saw behind me was some poster for math tutoring. Oh.

“Me...?” I asked sheepishly, finding it harder and harder to meet this girl’s gaze. Had I done something wrong? I started to slowly reach for my stuff, ready to pack it up and move in case I’d unknowingly taken her seat.

“Yeah!” I flinched again, doing my best to contain the reaction, “Hi!” She waved at me, still beaming. If I hadn’t been so scared, I would’ve smiled back, it was so contagious. “You’re new, right? Hyejoo? So sorry if I messed that up, gosh I’m awful with names!”

Oh. She actually _meant_ to talk to me. I hadn’t done something wrong. My heart started beating faster and I bounced my leg beneath the table so my hands wouldn’t visibly shake as much. I had to respond, didn’t I? I blinked dumbly at her, still sort of stunned speechless by all of this. I’d been fully prepared to not utter a single word during this lunch period. It was as if I’d totally forgotten my own language or something.

“N-no, I-I-I, um, that’s--” I resisted the urge to clear my throat, instead curling my toes in my sneakers in an attempt to cope with all the embarrassment I was enduring. Why couldn’t I just _talk?_ “--I’m Hyejoo.” The introduction didn’t feel as stilted and terrifying as the ones earlier from class.

She stepped slightly closer, her eyebrows knitting together in the middle, “You okay? You’re blushy!”

If anything, that only made the lingering heat I felt in my cheeks intensify. Ahh, no. I needed to get it together, she probably thought I was so weird. Whatever was happening, it wasn’t bad yet, so if possible I didn’t want to ruin it. “W-what? I-I’m,” _Get it_ ** _together_** _, Hyejoo_. I scolded myself firmly in my head, reaching down to grip onto the bench I sat on with white knuckles as if to better tether myself to reality. I cleared my throat ever so slightly and took as subtle of a deep breath as I could manage. “Fine. I’m fine.” My words were steady that time. Thank goodness.

She nodded at my confirmation and I was _so_ silently grateful that she didn’t pry further. “Okay! Then hello! I’m Chaewon,” A small, dainty hand was extended out toward me, and for a few seconds I couldn’t help but stare at it with what must’ve been wide eyes. When I reached and shook it with my own, I was caught off guard by a relatively tight but somehow... comforting grip. Her skin was impossibly soft and it was as if the warmth from her hand was spreading into my cold fingers the longer the contact was held. Even after the handshake was done, she let her touch linger for a few moments before drawing away. I hoped she didn’t feel the subtle tremor I still had. “But everyone calls me Chae! Only my stupid brother calls me ‘Chaewon’.” She rolled her eyes at even the thought of him. I stared up at her, still sitting down. The fluorescent lighting of this cafeteria would’ve been unflattering to anyone, really, but somehow it made her slightly tanned skin look like it was glowing. “Anyways! Are you sitting with anyone?” She looked around, as if expecting some other person to come join me at the table.

“No--” I responded just a bit too frantically, not wanting her to think that. I didn’t want her to leave me alone. “Um, no, I-I’m not. I-I just sat down.” That was a total lie. I must’ve been there for at least ten minutes by then. I was amazed I’d even managed to make up that excuse.

“Oh! Well would you want to come sit with me and my friends?” She tilted her head at the question.

_What...?_ My brain literally couldn’t process the invitation. Was she being serious? Was this some sort of trick? Was she trying to trick me? Were they going to make fun of me? Was this a mistake? I just... didn’t understand. I’d never been exposed to anything like this - to someone approaching me, to someone asking _me_ to do something with them. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t trust it, and it was so absolutely foreign that it took me long, dragging seconds for my brain to shut down my ancient defense mechanisms and even respond.

Chae blinked slightly at my silence, waiting, but then seemed to second guess herself. Her smile hadn’t faded, but had lessened in intensity. “You can say no!” She clarified sweetly, as if she didn’t want to pressure me. That wasn’t at all what she was doing.

Realizing that this was probably weird of me, I forced myself to actually answer. I didn’t want to fumble this, if it really was just what it seemed - someone being _nice_ for _once_ \- and I’d already almost let the opportunity slip through my fingers just from how much it’d stunned me. I nearly jumped to answer, scooting forward in my seat, “No-- I mean-- yes,” I shook my head slightly at my own fumble, keeping back a literal cringe, “Yes, I-I’ll sit with you.” I was already fumbling to put my barely touched food back into my lunchbox, doing my best to conceal my shaking.

Her smile returned to its full, ear-to-ear form at my timid confirmation, “Cool!” I got to my feet and her eyes followed mine all the way up, “Oooh. You’re tall!”

I faltered, “I-I’m not that tall?” I wasn’t sure what to say. Now that I was up, yeah, she was maybe an inch or so shorter than me.

“Well you’re taller than me, but I guess that’s not much of an achievement huh?” She chuckled slightly at her own comment, already starting to walk off to some other part of the cafeteria. I scrambled slightly to fully gather up my things, wanting to stay close. As if worried I’d get lost or something. My heart was beating out of my chest as she seamlessly navigated this semi-crowded, completely unfamiliar room. Part of me almost wanted to cling to her arm or something, but that’d be ridiculous. Instead I clung onto my lunchbox so tight my fingertips may’ve left an indent.

I held my breath every time we passed a table, wondering if this was where her friends were, wondering who her friends were, what they were like, if there were a ton of them and I’d just get lost in a sea of faces, if it was just a few, which I felt like I could better handle, if they were used to strangers sitting with them or if they’d be confused and interrogate me. God, there were _so_ many opportunities to screw up whatever was about to happen. I didn’t want to screw it up. I wanted to have friends. I didn’t want Chae to regret inviting me to sit with her, or to ward them away with my social ineptitude. I wanted people who’d see me in the hall and smile, hell, even just someone to sit near me while they were on their phone so I could pretend like I had a friend. But for me, that might’ve been too much to ask. I’d barely even been able to talk to Chae for like, a minute without completely malfunctioning.

“Might wanna brace yourself a bit.” Chae muttered to me softly.

“Huh?” My whole body tensed from her foreboding words. What was that supposed to mean? Brace myself for what??

“My friends, they’re a bit uh... extra?” She looked over her shoulder at me with those bright eyes and must’ve been able to see at least some of the fear visible on my face, “In the best way! But, I mean, it can just get to be a lot. That’s all.”

Oh boy.

Chae turned suddenly and sat at the end of a table, scooting over ever so slightly so there’d be enough space to sit at her side. Oh. Oh no. I felt so frozen.

There were six girls here besides Chae, all of them animatedly talking to and over one another. They were all smiling and laughing and bantering effortlessly. Anyone could tell that they’d been friends for years and years, that they knew each other incredibly well. And here I was. A total stranger, an outsider to all of it. Some primal, deep dread and anxiety held me to the spot - I couldn’t sit down. Which honestly didn’t help my awkwardness, since now I was just oddly standing at the end of their table. Chae was looking up at me, probably confused as to why I’d suddenly turned into a statue.

“Here, Hyejoo,” Her hand reached forward and very loosely clasped mine, pulling on me weakly. That was finally enough to snap me out of it, and I moved to sit at her side, my whole body beginning to tremble again. Oh, this was _such_ uncharted territory. I didn’t know what to do. How to act. What to say. I just sat there, and stayed quiet as a mouse. Chae looked at my profile while I stared down at the table, “You alright?” Her thumb brushed ever so slightly along the back of my hand, and - I don’t know how - it made me feel... I dunno, safe? Safe is a strong word, perhaps, but I felt... better. Like this didn’t have to be as scary as my stupid, anxious, irrational brain was making it.

I took a long, deep breath, and my stiff posture relaxed ever so slightly. I tilted my head to look back at her, and that time, I returned her smile as best as I could. She withdrew her hand and gently tapped the table with both of hers to try and get the other girls’ attention. They were all so engrossed in what was being talked about that they’d barely noticed Chae sitting back down, let alone the random girl who was accompanying her.

“Hey, shush shush, guys this is--” She tried to speak up, to introduce me (which I was so grateful for, I didn’t think I could bear _another_ self-introduction in just one day), but her small voice was quickly overpowered by another girl’s.

She was the smallest and visibly youngest of the bunch, but that didn’t at all stop her from being the loudest. “Chae!! Can’t you see we are having a _heated. DEBATE._ ” She slapped her hand on the table with each of her last two words, as if adding emphasis that wasn’t really necessary considering she was already shouting.

A girl with long, dyed blond hair rolled her eyes, “No we weren’t. _You_ were having a debate with a brick wall.”

“Water _isn’t wet_ , you’re all _uncultured_ and _uneducated_ but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised!!” The small girl insisted firmly, crossing her small arms and seeming genuinely frustrated. I was so confused.

Another girl sighed in annoyance, “Water is wet. That’s just a statement of fact. For instance: water is wet. Rocks are hard. The sky is blue. Yeojin is a midget.”

The small girl gasped in incredible offense, “I AM NOT A MIDGET, I AM ONLY A FEW CENTIMETERS BELOW AVERAGE HEIGHT, WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS, I AM GOING TO FIGHT--” She actually started to lean across the table, as if she was literally going to lunge at the other girl, but was very easily held back by the girl who sat next to her.

“Hyunjin-ahh, don’t call her names.” Another girl on our side of the table scolded who must’ve been Hyunjin gently, “The correct term is ‘little person’--”

“--I SWEAR TO GOD--” The small girl, Yeojin I guess, struggled against the hold on her. I wondered if this was a conflict I should take seriously, but based on the nonchalance of everyone else, it seemed almost like a common occurrence. Chae hadn’t been joking when she said they were extra. Or, at least Yeojin was.

Chae sighed, “Guys, please? We have a witness here. No murder.” She easily interjected herself into their banter, the social interaction seeming like absolute second nature to all of them. That wasn’t something I was good at, and a lingering sense of dread tied knots in my stomach at the fear of having to try to keep up with everyone’s effortless sarcasm and jokes.

Shockingly, the mentioning of me actually stopped all the discussion. Even Yeojin leaned back in her seat, curious, and in the next moment I felt more eyes on me than I ever learned to be comfortable with. I sort of collapsed in on myself in response, slouching my shoulders and tightly clasping my hands together in my lap, a familiar urge to disappear starting to consume me. I had nowhere to go, though. And another part of me didn’t _want_ to go. I should stay. Talk. Make “friends.” Chae had been kind enough to invite me here, I couldn’t leave. I shouldn’t.

“Oh! Hello!” A girl directly across from me with bangs and a smile somehow even brighter than Chae’s spoke up first. Her voice was high-pitched and she tangibly radiated such potent enthusiasm that it actually started to spread to me. The tightness in my chest ever so slightly alleviated. Somehow I could just tell, without even the slightest question, that this girl had absolutely no ulterior motives and never ever had in her entire life. Before I could even process that, and process that now there were two people who I felt like were actually just _kind_ (Chae being the first), another spoke up.

“Hey, you’re Hyejoo! From my English!” She was sitting at bang girl’s side, and she scooted over so eagerly to be more in front of me that she almost pushed bangs girl off the bench. I nodded timidly in confirmation. I did have English. “I’m Yerim! I really like your necklace!” She took the liberty of reaching closer and actually poking the pendant of it, and I actually didn’t recoil.

“Hyejoo? That’s a pretty name! That’s kinda like my name!” The bangs girl interjected again, still struggling ever so slightly to remain on her bench after having been pushed. She edged her way back to her old spot, gently nudging Yerim too, who didn’t protest. “I’m Jiwoo. I didn’t see you in my classes, but I’m a year older, so I might not see you around much.” She frowned slightly at that sentiment, seeming like she was genuinely saddened at the realization.

A girl on the other side of Chae leaned forward so I could see her face, “I’m Heejin. Nice to meet you, you said you’re new?” The girl next to Heejin - Hyunjin, I think - had an arm wrapped around the smaller girl’s waist and was flush against her side. I guess there wasn’t a lot of room on their side or something?

“I-I, yeah, i-it’s my first day...” My voice was considerably quieter than any of theirs, but I honestly didn’t have it in me to make it any louder.

All of this was absolutely overwhelming. There were so many prominent personalities here, and I felt like mine was so uninteresting and forgettable in comparison. It didn’t even feel like I should be there, like it was some sort of mistake. I was amazed I’d held it together this long without totally breaking down. It was mainly because I was letting myself act like a bystander, like I was just watching, and wasn’t even there. Now I couldn’t do that - everyone was trying to talk _to_ me. Somehow, having Chae right next to me and Jiwoo right across made me feel a little more capable.

The blonde girl who’d spoken up earlier and who seemed kind of disinterested in all of this tilted her head at me, “Oh, did you move here? Or just switch schools?”

“I moved...” I explained weakly.

Yeojin leaned forward, a bit out of her seat again, “Huh?? I can’t hear you, quit whispering over there.” Yerim slapped the smaller girl’s arm and she grimaced indignantly.

“Don’t listen to her,” The blonde girl told me, “It’s refreshing to have someone who actually knows the difference between their indoor and outdoor voice.” She made a not so subtle jibe at Yeojin again, who simply stuck her tongue out at the older girl. “I’m Jungeun, by the way. It’s nice to meet you. If you need any help finding your way around the city, let me know.” The offer of help made my chest feel even lighter.

Before I could even thank her for it, there was another from Heejin. “Yeah, any of us really. Or around school too - this place is pretty big, what classes do you--”

“--Do you play any sports?” Hyunjin cut her off, “I can try to get you in some of the teams, I know most of the coaches--”

“--Are the teachers catching you up? If not I can try to help, we have English together so if you’re having a hard time I--” Yerim spoke over Hyunjin before she could finish.

“-- _Guys_.” Chae raised her voice, stopping all of their overlapping statements that I could hardly process. I think she could tell I was getting really overwhelmed. At least I was getting overwhelmed in a good way - by niceties and kindness instead of anxiety and worry. That’d never happened to me before. I sort of just sat there, my lips parted as if I was gonna respond to any of it, but I genuinely didn’t know how. “Let’s not interrogate her okay?” Although she didn’t clasp my hand like before, I felt her fingers brush against mine on the bench. “I’m sure it’s already been a hectic day.”

Jiwoo nodded readily at the sentiment. It clearly hadn’t crossed her mind until Chae had brought it up. Which was fine, I didn’t fault any of them for trying to be nice. No, I really did appreciate it. Of course. It was just... such a new thing to me. The fact that Chae could sense it was a lot without me even needing to say anything meant so much already. Sure, it didn’t felt like I fit in much with this group of clearly extroverted, charming girls, but they were at least welcoming enough to try and accommodate me.

“Right, sorry!” Yerim told me, lowering her voice. “If you ever see any of us around though, don’t hesitate to say hi! Even Hyunjin!”

“Why ‘even Hyunjin’?” The aforementioned girl asked with a raised eyebrow. “What, am I not approachable?” She glared playfully at the implications and I was incredibly relieved that the conversation was turning away from me. Having them temporarily disregard me was even more relieving than all the offers of charity and help. 

“You can be a bit standoffish, Hyun.” Heejin teased gently.

“Oh?? Would someone standoffish do this then?” Hyunjin started to relentlessly tickle Heejin’s side, naturally causing the smaller girl to try and recoil, but she was only kept still by Hyunjin’s strong arm still wrapped around her middle. Heejin laughed but still half-heartedly tried to escape, the two of them both smiling the whole way through. They seemed really close. It was heartwarming, honestly. Usually seeing close friends just made me jealous, but this couldn’t be interpreted as anything but wholesome.

“God, you two, get a room.” Jungeun rolled her eyes again. I had a feeling she did that a lot. I guess they were always clingy like this. I still thought it was sweet. I wondered what it was like to have such a close friend. It was such a foreign concept I couldn’t even pretend to picture it in my head.

General conversation resumed among the girls, this time politely disregarding me, but leaving room for me to interject if I ever wanted. I couldn’t really find a place to, since I couldn’t much contribute to any of the topics or people they discussed, nor did I have the confidence to try. So I sat, very very consciously aware of Chae’s hand still maintaining the slight, barely there contact against mine on the bench. She talked to Jiwoo for a little bit about something before Jiwoo was suddenly roped into an intense debate about cookies with Yerim and Yeojin.

“Hey,” Chae’s voice in a softer, quieter tone snapped me out of my state of detached observation, and I tilted my head to better look at her. “Don’t mean to keep the interrogation up or anything, but where’d you move from...? Another city?”

I didn’t feel nearly as put on the spot when just one person was asking me, but that didn’t mean I’d be good at talking. I’d never really been good at talking, and I was still coming down from just how overwhelmed I’d been from the earlier onslaught of unanticipated social interaction from what were essentially strangers.

“Um, no, just... a small town. You wouldn’t know it, it’s pretty far away...” Nobody would really know about my town. It was the type of place where everybody knows everybody, where there’s only one type of every store, where you could walk from one side to the other in like an hour. Ironically, despite its smallness, there were still kids I’d gone to school with since I was three who didn’t know my name.

“Ahh. I bet it’s a cute little place!” She smiled at me with that same, bright smile, “The city’s a good place, too. Probably really different, but that doesn’t mean it’s not nice! Sometimes I wanna live in a small town, this place can get really noisy sometimes.”

  
I nodded readily at that observation, “We were stuck in traffic for u-um, like three hours on the way in cuz of construction, a-and I could hear all the jackhammers even through my headphones...”

She gasped, “Three _hours_? Oh my gosh that’s awful! Please don’t think the city’s always like that, it’s not! You just got unlucky, I promise!” She readily tried to reassure me, but in all honesty my opinion on the city had already been beyond soured from that introduction.

I nodded, “I-It’s okay, I believe you. I’m a pretty unlucky person...” I didn’t mean for that to sound so self-deprecating or as sad as it wound up coming out, but it was too late to take it back. It wasn’t wrong. I considered myself unlucky, I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t sure how else to interpret how bad I was at just... life stuff, besides sheer lack of luck.

Chae’s face fell ever so slightly at what I’d said, and her lips parted as if to respond, but was cut off by Yerim suddenly leaning across the table and grabbing our attention. “Hyejoo!” I flinched slightly from the sudden interjection, my timid heart skipping a beat. “Would you want to come over to my house on Saturday? I’m having all of the girls over, we’re gonna watch movies and bake cookies and stuff!” Her smile was wide like Chae’s, but it didn’t spread to me.

Oh. _Another_ invite? I didn’t know what to do. I’d never been invited to do things this frequently in my life. I’d turned into a dysfunctional mess when Chae had so much as asked me to sit with her at a table, and now Yerim was inviting me to her _house_? I’d met her five minutes before, was she serious? Did she flippantly invite just anyone to her house? One of my many deep seated emotional defense mechanism and irrational thought processes tried to convince myself that this was definitely some sort of trick. There was no way this could be true. I’d just met her, and barely even spoken two coherent words. I was quiet, strange, introverted and awkward. She didn’t want me there, she must’ve just been doing this out of courtesy or something...? But...? I never would’ve expected her to invite me? So? What was this?

“Oh yeah, that’d be fun! As long as you’re free, it’d be cool if you could stop by.” Chae’s comment filled the silence I was leaving by my lack of a response. Chae almost sounded expectant. They wanted me to say yes. But why...? Was it really not for some sort of malicious reason...?

I balled up my fists beneath the table, feeling an intense anxiety starting to consume me at all this uncertainty. I’d never been in a position like this. I didn’t know what to think. My pessimism was trying so hard to overpower my train of thought and take over, but what if I wanted to believe them? What if they really just wanted me to come over? They didn’t know me well enough to tell how awkward I was yet... maybe that was it? These girls seemed nice. Sincere. Kind. Instead of being skeptical and suspicious of it, maybe I should just accept it for what it was? My paranoia had always run really really deep, so it was hard to shake, but...

I swallowed hard, “U-uh, sure.” I clenched my fists harder, doing my best to stop them from shaking. I was just _so_ scared of this. But deep down... I was proud I said yes, that I accepted something I normally would’ve rejected no matter what. It was stepping out of my comfort zone, which was an _exceptionally_ small zone, if it even existed at all.

Yerim literally squealed in glee, sitting back down all the way on her bench. “Yay! I’m looking forward to it!!” And just like that, the next second she dove right back into some talk about Jungeun’s job with the others.

“I... don’t know where you live...” I muttered more to myself than to anyone else, my voice so quiet I doubted anyone could hear.

“Oh, right, that’s kinda important huh?” Chae spoke softly to me, I guess having caught my small dismayed observation. “Here,” She reached into her backpack that was beneath the table by her feet, pulling out a small, faded pink sticky note. “Yerim, pen?” Chae raised her voice slightly for the preoccupied girl to hear. Yerim pulled a purple pen from her pocket automatically and placed it into Chae’s outstretched palm, not even stopping her conversation to do so. Chae jotted something down on the note and handed it to me, that whole scene very odd to witness.

It was a phone number. Presumably hers. And there was a little smiley face too. I stared at the writing, absolutely stunned yet again. Wow. This had been the most eventful and topsy turvy fifteen minutes of my entire life. Part of me wondered if it was some sort of dream or something. It was still so hard to trust it. I didn’t want to. But... with Chae staring at me with those big, twinkling eyes and her small, sweet smile, it was hard to think that this had any sort of ulterior motive.

“U-um, thank you.” That was all I could think to say. I wasn’t even sure what I was thanking her for. It could’ve been a lot of things. She took it as thanks for her number, though.

“No problem! Just text me, and I’ll give you Yerim’s address whenever you want it. Okay?” I nodded timidly at her, and she jumped to add something else on, “Or just text me about other stuff too! Like, if you get lost, or need help with homework. Or if you’re stuck in traffic again and want someone to chat with!”

I smiled sheepishly back at her, daintily folding up the small piece of paper and tucking it into my shirt pocket. I spent the small amount of lunch left just listening in on the conversation as a relatively content bystander. When the bell rang and everyone got up to go to their next class, Hyunjin offered to lead me there once she learned we had the same one. She in particular wasn’t too talkative, and I was grateful. I’d done quite enough talking already, at least for my standards.

Amazingly, my first day hadn’t been as catastrophic as I thought.

***

Sitting at the dinner table felt foreign and familiar at the same time, somehow. Mom had spent the day putting up some of our old decor to make this new house feel like home, but to me it felt like a cheap imitation. It wasn’t as if I was homesick, I hadn’t felt too much of a connection to my hometown or my childhood house. It was more so that I didn’t see why all this effort was necessary. She went out of her way to even make my favorite dinner. It was appreciated, I guess, but I wasn’t that hungry. Despite the shockingly pleasant way my day had ended, there was a lingering sense of distrust in the situation’s longevity that prevented me from fully relaxing. It was a nice interaction with some nice people, sure, but it felt fleeting somehow - by no fault of their own. I’d understand if all of those girls didn’t want anything more to do with me once they actually got to know me. Subconsciously, that was what I expected to happen, and it put a bitter taste in my mouth that made it hard to swallow down any food.

“So, sweetheart, how was your first day?” Mom asked me politely. Dad came in from the kitchen after washing his hands and sat at the head of the table. My posture stiffened instinctively, even though it’d already been straight as a pin.

I kept my eyes trained on the table, not quite feeling like looking at anyone. My fork felt like it weighed twenty pounds for some reason. More than anything I was drained of all energy and vigor. I planned on turning in early, probably as soon as I was excused from the table.

“Alright.” I told her, which wasn’t a total lie. She didn’t want the truth, anyway. Neither of them would want to be faced with the fact that their daughter was a socially inept, anxiety-ridden, poor excuse for a person. They knew so little about me, if I really thought about it. They hadn’t asked, and I hadn’t told. So I guess it was sort of on both parties here.

She smiled, satisfied with that, “That’s good to hear. I know it’s a big adjustment...” A silence spread, filled with nothing but the vague clattering of silverware against our porcelain plates. I pushed my rice back and forth, arranging it in various piles that almost made it look like I’d eaten some. “Did you meet any potential friends?”

Potential friends was a good word for it. It was almost like even she knew that whatever initial connections I formed weren’t meant to last. Although I’d technically met multiple girls that day, the only reason I’d spoken to any of them was because of Chaewon. I reached up to my shirt pocket idly, pulling the small piece of notebook paper from it and unfolding its tiny corners. Her phone number in curly, petite handwriting was still there. For some reason I almost expected it not to be. My eyes lingered on the smiley face she’d made sure to draw, and it reminded me of her grin that she’d first greeted me with, that grin that made me feel like things might actually be okay.

A new thought flashed into my head. Maybe Chae really was a genuinely nice girl, yes, but this was something she went through everytime there was a new kid? Maybe she just took pity on people who needed it, helped give them a bit of an initial foothold and then threw them to the wolves once they’d adjusted? That made sense. She and her friends all seemed nice enough to do this more than once. The more I elaborated on the theory, the more plausible it seemed. Everyone had seemed so quick to offer ways to help me - to the point that it’d almost seemed like second nature. LIke they’d done it before. Oh. They were probably just some helpful, kind hearted girls who acted as a welcoming committee. Maybe that was what my English teacher had meant when he said the school was welcoming. For all I knew (which was next to nothing about the actual school system at that point) they may have literally been a extracurricular club. This might’ve actually been their job. Maybe they got community service hours for it or something.

I blinked, pulling myself from the mental tangent. I’d been having those practically nonstop since I’d gotten home - trying to rationalize and find an explanation for the complete oddity of what’d happened to me that day. I couldn’t help it. If my brain tried to be _actually_ rational, it would get too self-aware for its own good and realize how sad it was that I even needed to come up with hypothetical scenarios to trust what most people would treat as basic human kindness.

“Um, yes. A girl, Chaewon.” I explained softly, feeling my father’s eyes on me and getting that familiar tightness in my chest. I pulled my shoulders back to further perfect my posture, forcing my chin up higher so that my head wasn’t dipped low. He didn’t like that. Not that he even went further than light scolding or a brisk reminder of “sit up straight,” or “speak more clearly,” but those somehow stung more than a lecture would.

“Chaewon who?” He pressed lightly.

I stole a glance at him, confused. His eyes were narrowed, as if in suspicion. Not at me, but at Chae. Why? He literally didn’t know anything about her besides her name.

“I’m not sure, I didn’t get her last name.” I explained truthfully. Why did it matter?

He nodded in understanding and his expression returned to its default of mild disinterest.

Mom sighed happily, “What’s this Chaewon like?”

That was a good question. I wasn’t quite sure what to say, so I supplied a generic nicety that I knew would sate my mom’s obviously surface level curiosity. “She’s nice. Someone to sit with at lunch.” _As if there’s anyone else I could sit with._ I added on in my head, finding even the concept of having multiple people to choose as a lunch companion absolutely improbable.

She knew that was likely all she was going to get out of me. I’d never been one for extensive chatting at the dinner table. This was actually more than I normally tended to say, and that was only because she was able to think of more questions than usual because of the odd circumstances of the day.

“Well, I’m glad you’re meeting some good people.” That was the end of my mandatory dinner conversation, and I was glad for it. The less attention on me, the better. It always felt like I was under a microscope whenever they tried to talk to me about my day. My parents weren’t bad parents at all, I don’t want to give off that impression. They were just... impersonal. And there were worse things for parents to be than impersonal, so I wasn’t complaining. It was just draining sometimes. “As for me, I don’t care much for this city yet. I’ve already met some um... _characters_.” The word was spoken with evident distaste in her tone. She even sneered slightly. Wow, that was a pretty gossipy statement for my mom. Who had she met?

Before I could wonder, my dad chimed in, “So have I.” He adjusted the cufflinks on his sleeves, already looking visibly displeased with whatever he was about to say, “This woman at my work - Ms. Jeon, I believe was her name - her daughter is a _lesbian_.” His tone lowered to a whisper as he spat out the word, as if even speaking it too loudly was a sin all on its own. I felt my whole body clench, and I avoided his harsh gaze by focusing on my food and forcing myself to take a quick bite.

I didn’t really like when they talked like this. But what was I supposed to say? That I disagreed? I... I’d never really thought about it that hard. I just didn’t like when they were so openly hateful, that’s all. They were never this bad outside of our house, they tended to reign it in a bit, which I felt more comfortable with. They didn’t have to _love_ people who weren’t like us, but couldn’t they at least tolerate them? That was where I stood at least. Sure, your lifestyle could be different, but if it didn’t interfere with me, what did it matter? Of course I didn’t speak a word of that. It all crossed my mind in the second or so of silence that followed my dad’s words, but it stayed pent up in my chest. Like always. Sometimes I’d wonder if my indifferent stance was wrong. I knew if either mom or dad knew about it, they’d disprove, but did that matter? Did I care? I wasn’t sure. So I didn’t think about it anymore.

Mom shook her head with a disappointed sigh, “Well, we should’ve expected as much moving to a big city like this.” Yeah. A city was bound to be more diverse than our middle-of-nowhere small town where everyone went to the same church and believed all the same things. That much was a given. I wasn’t looking forward to being dragged to some new, big, scary, church on Sunday, that definitely wasn’t my favorite weekend past time. “How old is her daughter?” My mom asked.

Dad didn’t miss a beat, “A year older than Hyejoo. I think she goes to your school, actually.” His eyes were on me again, shooting me a pointed look. I felt my body tense, my posture stiffening a second time as I forced myself to match his gaze. It was hard sometimes. His eyes were always so intense, it was like he was staring straight through you. I clenched my fists beneath the table, wishing the topic would change. “Have you met her?”

I resisted the urge to clear my throat, which only led me to stutter. He didn’t like when I stuttered. “I-I, probably not. I only just got there. I haven’t met many people yet...” Jeon was a common last name, too. It could’ve been anyone in my new, pretty big school. The odds of this random, alleged lesbian being among the six girls I’d met that day were incredibly low. I tried not to let myself worry about it, that’d just be a waste of energy on a statistical level, but as if my brain ever worked in a rational way. Now my stomach was steadily tying itself into a brand new series of knots. What if one of the girls _was_ this Jeon girl? Oh jeez, that’d be a whole new can of worms. I blinked a few times and did my absolute best to override my brain.

My dad was content with my answer, thankfully, and he looked at my mother instead of me. I let my shoulders untense. “Right. I’ll try to ask her first name, so you can keep an eye out for her.” He added on casually. 

My chest tightened further. “Keep an eye out...?”

His eyes were back on me in an instant, clearly not understanding why I was confused. “Yes. I don’t want you associating with people like... _that_. You’ve already got enough bad influences in this cesspool of a city, you don’t need another.”

I nodded weakly at his words. This move was making everything so different. My dad had never told me to “keep an eye out” for anyone before, but I guess that was back when we’d known everyone in town. You couldn’t possibly know everyone in a city, there were just too many people, and I don’t think he liked that. He’d always been protective of me, or maybe possessive was a more fitting word, but regardless - he didn’t want me acting up or going against his wishes. Which was fine. With how I was raised I’d never think of doing anything reproachable anyway, so it meshed well. Now, though...? Something wasn’t sitting right. At church we’d always been told what sort of behavior was morally reprehensible, what “types” we should avoid due to their inherent unholiness, that whole spiel. But there wasn’t anyone like that where I lived, so I’d never really had to give it much more than a passing thought. My religious principles definitely hadn’t been on my extensive list of worries when I headed into school that day. Was that a mistake...? Should I have been thinking of them more? My head started to hurt.

Silence settled in again after my dad’s statement. We just kept eating. I didn’t take a single other bite, staring down at the individual grains of my rice.

Mom reached across the table and placed a gently hand on my wrist, the touch catching me slightly off guard though I did my best not to flinch. “You should try to make some friends from church, sweetie.”

Dad nodded firmly at that sentiment, “Yes. They’re better folk than most, but I even doubt some of them if they chose to live here. You never know.” He sounded like a conspiracy theorist or something. I hated when he talked about religion like this. He was the best when he forgot about it for a few fleeting moments, when he let himself be fun.

My headache would only worsen if I let myself think too hard about any of this. I wasn’t sure why they thought I’d make instant friends at church - I never had back home, and I doubted it would happen there. It was still nothing short of an absolute miracle that Chae had chosen to talk to me that day, so I didn’t bet on it happening again, and I sure as hell couldn’t approach anyone. It felt like this entire lecture didn’t matter. Again, the odds of me meeting this mysterious “Jeon” girl were incredibly slim.

They thankfully let me be excused shortly after without forcing me to eat anything more. I rushed upstairs and sequestered myself into my room for the rest of the night, doing what scattered homework I could comprehend and settling on anxiously fretting about the rest. To try and calm myself down and hopefully avoid stress dreams, I sorted through my polaroids.

I didn’t have an album for them or anything, which I honestly should’ve, but I’d need to ask my parents for money to buy one and I didn’t want them to ask to see the pictures. Nothing against them specifically, I was just embarrassed to show anyone my pictures. I didn’t want people to think I was a “photographer.” That sounded so professional, and my pictures weren’t nearly good enough for that. But... I liked it. That’s all that mattered, right? I tried to tell myself that, but a nagging part of me always said to just let this hobby go. Film was so expensive. I used practically all my spending money on it - which I barely ever had enough of. Nobody even saw these pictures except for me. So I should stop. Despite thinking all of that pretty frequently, I never did stop.

I tucked the polaroids back into my pencil case and zipped them into my backpack. There were only a few more days until the weekend, when I was expected to go to Yerim’s. I took Chae’s number from my pocket and set it gently down on my desk, not wanting to lose it. For a few fleeting moments I considered texting her, but shut the idea down almost as soon as it’d manifested. No. It was too soon. I didn’t want to seem eager, it might freak her out. I had to be careful about this, _very_ careful - it was too easy to mess things up, and that’s what I always tended to do.

I sat on the edge of my bed, mind and heart both starting to race. In theory, there was enough time between then and Yerim’s to come up with a feasible reason to cancel. _No, no, shut up Hyejoo. Don’t cancel. Why would you cancel? You were invited to something, most people get excited about that._ ** _Normal_** _people get excited about that_. My mind thoroughly scolded itself.

I should go. I _would_ go. Even if the thought absolutely terrified me, it’d be good. As long as I didn’t mess anything up, it’d be good.

***

I was regretting literally every decision I’d ever made as mom pulled onto what Chae had told me was Yerim’s street. My stomach was in such inextricable knots that I was starting to feel queasy, my skin was clammy, my hands were shaking. I wasn’t sure if I could do this, but the fact that I was past the point of no return only made things worse instead of promoting a state of acceptance like I thought it would. Mom already knew I’d been invited to a “friend’s,” and was thrilled by the information. She wouldn’t just turn around. No, I’d sealed my fate as soon as I got into this car.

“This is the address, right?” Mom slowed the car down and I gripped onto the arm of my seat with white knuckles, as if bracing myself for some sort of impact. It was in fact the address. I wondered if I could somehow claim that this was the wrong house, if she’d drive aimlessly around for a few more minutes. But that’d just delay the inevitable. God, I was being immature and unrealistic. I couldn’t help it, though. Staring up at what I knew was Yerim’s house was giving me literal goosebumps.

“Um...” My voice was so small and timid it was borderline inaudible. I forced myself to be a bit louder, “I-I think so...” The windows at the front of the house were open. A windchime was being rustled around by a light spring breeze. There were flowers lining the small walkway up to the porch. If I hadn’t been so terrified, this place would’ve been incredibly welcoming, but all I felt was dread.

“Great! It looks like a nice house, hmm?” She was being optimistic again. I appreciated the sentiment but it was no use. “Make sure you tell her thank you for the invite, alright? It’s very sweet of her.” She was right about that, at least. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to muster the coherency to do what she said, but she was right. “Just let me know when you need to be picked up, sweetie.” She gently kissed the side of my head, but I was in such a state of internal stress that I barely even felt the light contact.

I had to get out of the car. Right...? If people were in there, they could probably see us parked on the street out front, just sitting there. Oh. That was weird. Oops, I’d already done something weird. Damn. Suddenly intensely compelled, I practically dove from the car, making sure to mutter a passing, “Bye,” to my mom before planting my feet firmly on the sidewalk. Mom waited for a few lingering moments before driving off down the street, leaving me totally to my own thoughts and free will. Oh boy.

I felt rooted to the spot. Literally. Like the concrete I stood on had morphed and wrapped around my shoes. I clenched my hands into fists, staring hard at Yerim’s front door. It was a short walk there. Probably like, ten steps max, but it felt like it was oceans from me. God, if I couldn’t even muster the courage to _walk_ to the _door_ , how on earth was I supposed to interact with these girls for the next couple of hours? This was a bad idea. I should’ve cancelled beforehand like I’d considered, I never should’ve accepted the invite in the first place, I should’ve--

\--that door I stared so intently at was gently opened, and a familiar flash of blond hair popped out of the doorway. Chae stood there, bearing her broad, wide smile, wearing casual clothes instead of our uniforms. Trust me, I was potently aware of us not needing to wear our uniforms. I’d spent about two hours of the early morning choosing my outfit, finally settling on a simple pair of black jeans and a faded yellow hoodie. Chae looked... cute. I wasn’t sure how else to word it, she just knew how to dress. She wore leggings and a long, baggy, fluffy pink sweater. The sleeves went down past her small hands. Her hair was up, too. It was usually down. Despite having expected her there because, obviously she’d be there, seeing her in person somehow made me feel ever so slightly better. It wasn’t much of a difference, but I noticed it nonetheless.

“Hyejoo!” She exclaimed happily, pushing the door further open. As soon as she did, Yerim and Yeojin flooded out from inside the house. Yerim stayed on the porch, waving enthusiastically at me with both of her arms, but Yeojin took the initiative of sprinting down the front steps and straight up to me. I almost instinctively took a step back from the sudden approach, my heart in my throat. She was so small she was far from intimidating. She practically had to aim her head ninety degrees upward just to match my eyes.

“Come!! Inside!!” She shouted, her voice carrying down the street. She gently tugged on the front of my shirt, but not with enough force to actually get me to budge. I felt a blush flooding my cheeks, knowing I should just go with her, but some primal part of my anxiety still preventing me from complying. If anything it just made Yeojin more determined, and she moved to stand behind me and literally shove my back with both of her hands. I staggered forward, stumbling and nearly falling altogether but just barely saving myself from the embarrassment. “Let’s go newbie!” I flinched from the nickname. _Newbie?_ Chae chuckled weakly when she heard it, but for some reason I didn’t think she was making fun of me.

Yerim surged closer, trying to lead me in a bit of a gentler way than Yeojin’s pusing. “Hello! Welcome!! I’m glad you’re here!” Yerim told me with such a genuine inflection to her words it was impossible not to believe her. Instead of being comforting, though, it just made me feel pressured. Like they had a false image of me in their heads, because why the hell would they want _me_ there so bad? It didn’t make sense.

Chae smiled softly at me, her fluffy pink sweater making her look like a literal stuffed animal. She stepped out of the way so that I could be forced past the threshold of the doorway and officially inside the house.

It smelt like baking cookies and incense. The living room was in view from where I stood, and inside it I saw Heejin and Hyunjin entangled with one another on the couch. Heejin waved at me and Hyunjin shot me a wink. So many people were here. My heart was beating so fast I could hear it my ears, and I was so irrationally paranoid that I was worried somehow everyone else would hear it too.

“Guys!! Hyejoo has arrived!!” Yerim exclaimed happily, literally bouncing up and down. I couldn’t help but flinch when the door was closed over my shoulder, feeling like I was officially trapped in this situation now. I stood awkwardly, stiff as a statue, feeling absolutely incapable of muttering a single word. Yerim spun to face me, still grinning, unfazed by my unresponsiveness, “Jungeun couldn’t come, she’s working. She’s _always_ working.” She rolled her eyes at the last sentiment, happily skipping into the living room and sitting on a separate couch. Yeojin followed, literally jumping onto Yerim’s lap and knocking the wind out of her.

Chae brushed past me, the hallway narrow enough that I literally felt her fluffy coat against my hand. It was so soft. I pressed myself against the wall, giving her more than enough to go by, which made her look at me in slight confusion. Oh no, that’d been weird. I was screwing this up so badly already. Damn it.

Her expression slowly faltered back to normal, but it was too late - I’d already fumbled. She spoke in her airy, small voice, “Jiwoo can’t come either, the dummy. She forgot some big paper she had to write, it’s literally due tomorrow and she’s had weeks to write it.”

Hyunjin scoffed audibly, “As if you don’t literally do the same thing. Get off your high horse.”

Chae pouted, “I am a _responsible_ procrastinator, thank you very much! I know my limits and I play it safe!” She put her hands on her hips, seeming adamant on her stance.

  
I couldn’t process any of this. My main focus was on just how dreadfully _awkward_ I _knew_ I was being, but I didn’t know how to act any differently. Everyone was just sitting on couches. Chae moved to sit cross-legged on the rug. There was an armchair that was open. I should sit there. It took a solid thirty seconds of mentally repeating to myself that _I should sit there_ before the message reached my legs, and I surged forward, finally taking a seat.

“Did you find the place okay, Hyejoo?” Chae asked me softly. I couldn’t tell if she was lowering her voice so I could tell the question was just for me, or if she genuinely just spoke that quietly all the time.

Oh boy. A direct question. I had to respond to this. Directly. My body still felt like it was made of stone. I tucked my legs beneath myself, wanting to curl up into a ball and disappear. All I could manage was a weak nod, hoping more than anything that they couldn’t see how much I was shaking. I tucked my hands into my hoodie’s pocket, clenching them together tightly in efforts to steady them. It was pointless.

“Did you get a ride here?” Heejin asked me curiously, scrolling idly through her phone, her head in Hyunjin’s lap as the girl played idly with her hair. All this casual intimacy between these girls was so foreign to me. I couldn’t even remember the last time anyone had hugged me besides my parents, but it seemed like in this friend group it was almost more odd to not have some sort of physical contact. Yeojin was still plopped haphazardly on Yerim’s lap and was poking at her cheek to annoy her, the strangest part of which was how unbothered Yerim seemed by it.

I nodded again, but Heejin wasn’t looking at me. She needed to hear me talk. Oh. I needed to talk. I swallowed hard, trying to dismiss the lingering lump in my throat, “Y-yes.” My voice quivered despite my best efforts.

Hyunjin shook her head at my confirmation, “You’ve gotta get a bike. It’s easier in the city than cars, honestly--”

Chae surprisingly interjected, and although her soft voice could’ve easily been overpowered by Hyunjin’s firm one, Hyunjin shut right up when she heard the small girl speaking, “--Yes!! Bikes!! Do you have a bike?”

My cheeks warmed further. I _prayed_ it wasn’t as visible to them as it felt. I didn’t have a bike. I didn’t even... I didn’t even know how to _ride_ a bike. But I couldn’t say that. No, they’d think I was weird for sure. What kid our age didn’t know how to ride a bike? My parents just never got around to teaching me. Our town was so small you could walk everywhere, there wasn’t much of a reason to have bikes. I rarely went outside anyways, I’d been an introvert for as long as I could remember, so it would’ve been a wasted investment - which I think my dad was potently aware of.

Chae’s eyes had twinkled like stars when she’d asked me that question, her whole face bright. I wondered for a moment if I should just lie, not wanting that happiness to fade even the slightest bit, not caring if it was from some innocuous news. But I couldn’t lie. I was a damned bad liar. Instead, I weakly shook my head back and forth.

“What?! Hyejoo you need a bike. We _all_ have bikes, you’ve gotta join our bike gang! We’ll rule the streets with an iron fist and paint all our bikes black and put _barbed wire on the handlebars_ so we can _ram people_ \--” Yeojin started going off on some tangent, complete with exaggerated hand gestures and rapidly fluctuating volumes.

Hyunjin scoffed, “How would you ride the bike if there was barbed wire on the handlebars dumbass?” Heejin lightly slapped Hyunjin’s cheek from the insult, but Hyunjin didn’t so much as flinch.

“Wow Hyunjin-ah, didn’t know you were so weak-willed, I would’ve expected more from you!!” Yeojin dared to threaten, but Hyunjin seemed immune.

Yerim hummed thoughtfully, “I have black paint I think, but no barbed wire. I dunno where you’d buy that...”

“Ebay maybe?” Heejin asked.

Chae giggled sweetly, her too-long sleeves flapping around as she gestured, “Why do the bikes have to be black?? Can’t they be pink? Think of the contrast between baby pink bikes and barbed wire, Yeojin, and tell me you don’t love it.”

Yeojin didn’t miss a beat, “Chae you aesthetically gifted genius, you’re so right. We need to do this.” Her intense gaze returned to me and I scooted back further in my chair, wishing I’d sink into its cushion. “Hyejoo!! You’ve gotta get a bike, ASAP. Why don’t you have one, are you like poor or something?”

Chae glared slightly, not appreciating the small girl’s tactlessness, “Yeojin-ahh...”

“What? No shame in it - but if that’s the case then we can arrange a fundraising system to get this money and support our girl gang, so what’s the deal? Why no bike?” Yeojin prodded further, absolutely persistent.

I didn’t know what to tell her. All my words felt like they were getting caught in my throat. “I... my, I-I uh, I-I didn’t need one...?” That was all I could think to say. It was the truth, but just vague. I didn’t want to give description or backstory. I didn’t want to talk at all, really, there were just too many people and they all had such seamless banter. It was hard to even keep up with it as a bystander, let alone try to participate without absolutely derailing the flow of it all. I already felt like a burden here - an out of place oddity, and it was making it hard to breathe. Uh-oh.

“Didn’t need one?? Who doesn’t need a bike?! You’re telling me you ‘didn’t need’ a fun form of convenient transport and leg exercise?” Yeojin was very passionate about bikes apparently.

“Some people don’t like bikes, Yeojin.” Heejin pointed out.

It wasn’t that I didn’t like bikes, I’d just never had one. I wondered if I should say that, but it really felt like I couldn’t even talk. My chest was getting a dreadfully familiar, foreboding tightness in it. No no, I didn’t want to freak out here. Come on, that’d be _so_ embarrassing. I was fighting it back, trying to keep it at bay and get it together.

“Hyejoo doesn’t like bikes?! The _scandal!_ ” Hyunjin commented in an exaggerated, shocked tone.

Yerim gasped too, “That’s a pretty controversial stance...”

“Hyejoo! If you want to join our bike girl gang - which of course you do, I mean, if you’re not with us you’re against us, it’s a bike eat bike world out there - you need the wheels.” Yeojin got to her feet and walked right up to me, pointing an accusatory finger inches from my nose. She was still from from intimidating due to her height, but her sudden approach made my next breath get caught in my throat. “I can give you a deadline or an ultimatum, which would you like?”

“What’s the difference...?” Yerim asked weakly from her couch.

“Yeojin, chill a little bit okay?” Chae spoke up softly, but unlike Hyunin, Yeojin was entirely unswayed by Chae’s words. It was like she hadn’t even heard them.

The short girl’s eyes accusatorily narrowed at me, waiting for an answer. Expecting an answer.

Instead, the only thing that left me was a quiet, nearly inaudible, “Y-Yerim, w-where’s your bathroom...?”

The room went nearly silent. For a few awful moments of suspense, I wondered if Yerim had even heard me or if I’d have to embarrassingly repeat myself, but thankfully, she had.

“Oh, my bathroom? It’s upstairs, right next to my room, you can’t miss it!” She beamed throughout that entire explanation, looking like she was about to stand up, “Want me to show you?”

I quickly got to my feet, squeezing around Yeojin who partially blocked my way, “N-No, it’s okay, I-I’ll be right back.” Without so much as a glance at anyone else, I made a beeline out of the living room and up the staircase I’d noticed when I’d first come in.

As soon as I was out of sight of them, I felt myself coming unhinged. I paused for a second to hover, and felt a little bit more relieved when I heard them all start talking amongst each other again. Good. I hadn’t made it too weird, they could still talk and pick up where things left off. But _god_ that had been a _disaster_. Feeling my breaths getting quick and only adding to the tightness in my chest, I took refuge in Yerim’s bathroom and locked the door behind me.

_Jesus Christ Hyejoo, get it_ ** _together_** _, you’re absolutely blowing it._ My brain scolded myself as I tried desperately to just _breathe_. It was so hard. I balled up fistfuls of my hoodie, pacing, shutting my burning eyes. _Why’d you even think you could handle this? Of course you can’t, this is a_ ** _trainwreck_** _. You can’t even talk to them, they were just playing around, why’d you get so weird??? And this is weird too, hiding out in this bathroom, what’re you doing?? Get back out there, make an excuse, call mom,_ ** _something_** _, just stop being such a_ ** _freak_** _._ My brain was trying to help in the only way it knew how: self-deprecation to the point of spurring me to action. It wasn’t working, though. Not this time. My panic was consuming me, knowing that I’d just have to face more inevitable awkwardness no matter how I tried to go about this once I went back out there. If I tried to leave, that’d result in questions I’d be awful at deflecting, if I tried to stay, that’d just be more of the group trying to incorporate me and more pitiful failing on my part to cooperate.

I buried my face into my hands, willing myself not to cry - not to let my panic take over despite feeling how it was starting to set in. My whole body was trembling violently, my breaths uneven and erratic. _No, not right now. You can’t do this now, not here._ I timidly lowered my fingers, staring deeply into my burning, slightly red eyes in the mirror. If I broke down, I just wouldn’t have the means to properly collect myself. And I didn’t want them to see me like this, obviously. Nobody really had before. I was pretty sure I’d die of embarrassment on the spot if anyone ever saw me like this, so stupid and irrational and _weak_.

I sniffled, straightening my posture and wiping the slight makeup smudging around my eyes. My body still trembled and my breaths were still ever so slightly uneven, but I regulated everything as best as I could. If you looked too hard, you’d definitely be able to notice something was off, but it was all I could muster. It’d have to do. I didn’t really have another choice, I’d been in that bathroom for too long anyway. They were probably wondering where I was.

Clearing my tight throat one last time, I took a deep breath before unlocking that door and stepping back into the hallway--

\--only to almost literally bump straight into Chaewon.

“Oh!” She thankfully had the reflexes to prevent the collision, but didn’t get far from me. My eyes widened so far I thought they may fall from my head. “Hey!” She smiled her small smile, looking up at me with big eyes.

I stammered clumsily, caught absolutely off guard, “Sorry-- I-- do you-- um, need t-to use the bathroom?” I stepped readily out of the way to clear the path for her, but she didn’t move.

“No! I was waiting for you actually.” She maintained her chipper, light tone. I wondered if she noticed the lingering redness around my eyes from how close we’d gotten when I’d nearly bumped her. God I hoped not. I didn’t want her to ask. I wouldn’t know what to say. I was _such_ a lousy liar.

I blinked at her. Had I heard that wrong...? Waiting for me how? What? How long had she been standing there? What did she want? I had so many questions, but was too terrified to properly ask any of them, so all that left me was a small, weak, “Huh...?”

She seemed to catch herself, as if realizing what she’d said was odd, “Oh, um, not to be weird like I was just hovering outside the bathroom for you to be done, although, I guess that _was_ what I was doing, but, whatever, um--” She was actually kind of rambling. Which I related to more than I think she could ever understand. It made me feel safer somehow. Like she wasn’t perfect either. I mean, she was still infinitely more put together than I could ever manage, but she fumbled sometimes too. Oh. I watched her patiently as she struggled to explain herself, until she seemed to get a grip and say what she truly wanted, “I just came to get you--”

“--I-I’m sorry, I-I was just leaving--” I quickly interjected, assuming it _had_ been weird for me to be gone for so long and already moving to go downstairs, but she stepped slightly in my way.

“--because I sort of got the vibe that you’re overwhelmed.” She finished her statement in an impossibly soft, gentle tone. It stopped me in my tracks.

I had no idea what to say. She wasn’t wrong. Of course I was overwhelmed. Had it been that obvious? A blush steadily rose to my cheeks at the thought of everyone out there seeing how visibly I was coming undone just from basic social interaction. Oh no. They probably noticed. God I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. All I could do was blink wordlessly at Chae, stunned and terrified.

She quickly stepped closer, “It’s okay!” I didn’t trust it. My chest was still tight. I felt like a deer in headlights and I probably looked like one too. “I’m not offended or anything, we can be a lot, especially if Yeojin’s involved...”

I just stared at her. I felt like an idiot, like I _should_ be saying something to all this, but I didn’t know how she wanted me to respond. Should I deny it? Claim I wasn’t overwhelmed? That I was fine? Lie through my teeth? Or should I thank her for noticing? I still barely understood why she’d come to get me like this, so I stayed quiet partially to see if she’d properly answer that unspoken question.

She tilted her head slightly at me, her smile still there but starting to fade the longer my silence lingered, “Look, if you need to take a breather, I totally get it.” My heart skipped a beat. The nearly painful knots in my stomach started to relax, just a little. Even that was such a welcome relief. She must’ve seen the way my face subtly changed, “Um, actually, how about I paint your nails...? Or something? Yaknow, a more chill activity, with less noise and yelling and Yeojin.” She started to walk to a room off of this hallway, going slow. She wanted me to follow her, and without letting my brain think things to death, I did. She looked encouraged by that, since even though it was nonverbal, it was a sign of compliance. “Yerim sort of collects nail polish. And pens. And stickers. She likes to collect.”

I took a deep, measured breath, making it as quiet and subtle as I could, and finally forced myself to speak like a human. “... that’s nice...”

  
She looked back at me with a wider smile at the sound of my small voice. “Some might call it hoarding, but at least it looks pretty!” With that, she pushed a door open, revealing what must’ve been Yerim’s room.

It was definitely pretty. There were shelves upon shelves lining the walls, containing carefully arranged, color-coded combinations of all sorts of things: plushies, sticker sheets, sneakers, pens, stationary, I think I even saw some stamps. It was so aesthetically pleasing. I actually wished I’d brought my camera, because it’d be such a perfect photo.

Chae stepped inside, not seeming at all hesitant to go in Yerim’s room without her there. Now that I thought about it, Yerim really didn’t seem like the type who’d get mad about that. I stepped inside too, watching stiffly as Chae moved to carefully take a box of nail polish from one of the shelves. It was just a bit too high for her, and she stood on her tip-toes to try and nudge it from its spot. Okay, that was an accident waiting to happen.

I moved to her side and reached up, guiding the box down but still letting her have most of the grip on it. She smiled even more broadly from the gesture, though her cheeks were ever so slightly flushed. Maybe she was embarrassed because she was tiny, but she couldn’t help her height, so she shouldn’t be.

She giggled weakly, “Told you you were tall...” She muttered the remark under her breath as she walked to the center of Yerim’s room, sitting cross-legged in the middle of a rug embroidered with countless purple flowers.

“I’m not that tall...” I mumbled more to myself than to her, deciding to keep the added thought that “she was just short” inside instead of commenting it. I wasn’t sure if I could pull off playful teasing. I’d never really tried it, and I didn’t want to accidentally offend anyone. That definitely sounded like something I’d do.

I knelt down in front of her, noting the way that my racing heartbeat had slowed to only a slightly accelerated version. It was quiet in here. Peaceful. If you listened close enough you could vaguely hear the muffled sound of yelling from downstairs, but I definitely felt better with it as background noise.

“Here, this one’s my favorite.” She muttered softly, pulling out a turquoise polish with a slight sparkle to it. As she unscrewed the cap, she paused for a quick second, “I-I mean, do you like this color? It’s going on your nails, so--”

“--I like it.” I told her gently, not wanting her to start rambling again. I understood why she rambled. She was so used to noise all the time from her friends, my borderline silence must’ve been weird. She probably thought it meant something bad.

She smiled at my confirmation and uncapped it all the way, reaching closer and softly clasping my wrist. She pulled my hand to her and I tried so hard to keep myself steady. I didn’t want her to feel how shaky I was, because it wasn’t her fault. If anything, she was helping me calm down. Which was a bigger deal than she’d ever understand. I felt my breathing evening out all on its own the longer she repeated the slow motion of dragging that brush along my nails. I watched the bristles move, following them closely with my eyes. It was helping, sure. But I wasn’t truly relieved.

“Hey, um...” Chae spoke up for the first time in a minute or so, and my gaze flitted up to hers. “How come you’re so shaky...? Did you not eat lunch or something?”

“What--? Um, no, I-I ate, I-I’m just--” I took another deep breath to stop my endless stammering. I could talk to Chae. Right? Out of everyone downstairs, everyone I’d met in town, she was the most approachable. She was nice. She’d gone out of her way to come get me when she thought I might’ve been stressed out, cuz she wanted to make sure I was okay. That was so thoughtful. If she did have some sort of ulterior motive behind this, she was hiding it pretty damn well, and I just didn’t have the energy to be paranoid about it anymore. I should be honest. There was no point in hiding it, she’d seen through me already. “I’m... just feeling anxious. That’s all.”

I’d never really admitted that to anyone before. Never just said outright that I was anxious or dealt with anxiety. It made me feel vulnerable and stupid. I’d barely even anticipated saying it, the confession had slipped out all on its own. I’d gotten thrown off from how direct her question was, and answered it more directly than I normally would’ve sort of automatically in response. It was just... I didn’t want to say that I was comfortable around Chae, because that was a really strong word for me to use, but... I felt like I could be more open and honest around her. Like I needed to have less of a filter. Like she wouldn’t even think of judging me or making fun of me.

Her still loose grip on my wrist shifted suddenly, instead moving to clasp my hand with hers. I felt my cheeks flush with heat again, caught off guard by the sudden affection. A gentle warmth was behind her eyes, another smile coming to her face, “I get like that sometimes too.” I couldn’t even remotely picture Chae being anxious. At least not at my level of anxious. I don’t think she fully grasped just how serious my anxiety was. A lot of people used anxiety as a synonym for basic nerves, but mine really wasn’t like that. Hell, mine was almost debilitating. She was just trying to emphasize, though, and I couldn’t fault her for that.

“O-Oh...” I muttered, finding myself stammering again. I couldn’t help it, her holding my hand like this just threw me for a loop.

The room got quiet again. Chae kept painting my nails, and I looked back to the motion of the brush, focusing on it to calm myself back down again. Once she wasn’t holding onto my hand anymore, it was easier for me to regain my composure.

“How has school been going so far, newbie?” She giggled to herself at the nickname, and it made me chuckle slightly too just from how easily entertained she seemed to be. I was still shaking. She could probably feel it. “Yeojin’s been calling you that. It’s so dumb, she’s like a little kid. I won’t call you that, though. I like Hyejoo better.” She trailed off quietly toward the end, as if she was uncertain of adding on that last comment. I was glad she decided to.

That was more of a loaded question than she knew. Besides she and the girls - who I actually didn’t have the same lunch with every day - I hadn’t spoken to a single soul. The teachers didn’t care that I was struggling with the material, partially because I wasn’t telling them about it. I was too scared to admit that I was confused. I didn’t want them to patronize me or treat me like I was an idiot. The issue was, I didn’t know if she wanted to hear that. Was this just polite smalltalk? Or did she want genuine answers and honesty, so she might be able to help me a little? I didn’t know.

I looked at her hard, trying to figure out her intentions, but it was hard. I wasn’t good with this stuff. I couldn’t tell, and she wasn’t looking back at me - focusing on delicately painting my nails.

Maybe I should try to be open for once.

“Uh... it’s...” I swallowed hard, my throat feeling tight all of the sudden as soon as I even considered being honest. It was so against my nature - opening up. But... she’d asked, right? “It’s not too great yet...” Chae paused mid-brush and her eyes flitted up to me for a second. Her expression was still frustratingly unreadable. “I-I’ve... never lived in a city, so it’s a big change. I-I’m not good with change...” She was painting the rest of my nails slower than before. I could tell she was really listening, and I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. “Uh... and... coming in mid-semester like this is weird too. Some of the teachers don’t really care a-about me being behind, a-and... and I’m...” I took a much needed breath, all of this just starting to tumble out of me seemingly against my will, “I-I’m scared to talk to people, so I-I haven’t really made any friends yet...”

She still wasn’t looking at my eyes, but once she could tell I was done with my sudden spiel, she slowly nodded in understanding at everything I’d abruptly admitted. She was quiet for a few suspenseful, tense seconds, and I abruptly regretted saying any of that at all and putting her on the spot like this, but then she finally spoke. “Well, I’m not the brightest so I can’t help with the homework part, but I can absolutely fix the friend issue.” My heart skipped a beat. She’d started to smile again, and her gaze flitted back to me at my lack of response, “If you’d let me, I mean.”

Was she...? Was she serious? I stared at her in absolute awe, my jaw hanging open, my mind so hesitant and cautious to let myself believe that offer. She... wanted to be my friend? She was _offering_ to be my friend? My core, integral pessimism was trying to tell me this was suspicious, that something was off because nobody would so willingly want to be my friend like this, but my rationalization actually won it over. Chae wasn’t mean. She wasn’t manipulative. She was sweet and kind and genuine, and of _course_ I wanted to be her friend. Of _course_.

“I, um, yeah. Yes, thank you...” I told her softly, watching as she finished painting my last nail. She’d done them all so delicately there wasn’t a single drop of polish out of place.

“Don’t thank me yet!” She exclaimed happily, putting the brush back into the bottle. “Tell you what, you can thank me when we’re _best_ friends. Deal?”

She said that so flippantly. Like it was just inevitable. I didn’t even know how to respond. I’d never had a “best friend” before. Not that I didn’t want one, obviously, of course I wanted one, but nobody ever bothered to get that close. Now Chae was readily implying that was what we’d become. And it made me feel... just... _so_ relieved, somehow.

I was smiling. I hadn’t even noticed. A blush had risen to my cheeks at some point I barely even remembered, and I felt it intensify from her insinuation, but surprisingly I didn’t miss a beat when I next spoke, “Deal.”

Chae smiled a wide, ear-to-ear grin back at me, her eyes twinkling and her face bright. The next second I felt that nail polish bottle suddenly thrust into my hands, “Would you mind painting mine?” She scooted closer excitedly, “Then we can match!” Without receiving a confirmation, she extended her hand toward me and spread her fingers out for me to paint them. Oh.

I nodded, knowing it was a simple request, but I was already starting to worry. “Sure...” I slowly unscrewed the cap and realized just how much I was still shaking. Sure, Chae had helped me calm down a whole lot, but I was still coming down from what had been scarily close to a full on panic attack and the tremors had yet to subside. It usually took almost an hour. Nail painting with shaky hands was a risky undertaking, but she was so excited. How could I say no?

She scooted forward again from my hesitation, maybe assuming that she wasn’t close enough or something...? I nearly flinched from the movement. She was so close. Okay, this proximity wasn’t helping anything. I pursed my lips for a second, deciding to try and be brave and just go for it--

\--only for a particularly intense tremor to make me fumble and actually drop the brush entirely. I scrambled to catch it and thankfully did, but not without accidentally brushing it against the side of Chae’s hand and leaving a streak of turquoise there.

“Oh,” I panicked, instinctively reaching to try and wipe it off, but I just smudged it. My blush got even worse, spreading tangibly to my ears, “O-Oh, I-I’m so sorry, I--”

“--No worries!” Chae cut me off before my flustered rambling could get out of hand, gently taking the brush from my hand and instead moving to add to the mark I’d made - painting a small, turquoise butterfly out of nail polish right above her wrist. “See? No harm done.” Her voice was gentle and slow, like she really wanted me to listen to her and believe her. She didn’t want me to worry.

I was absolutely floored. I’d just gotten nail polish on her like a stupid shaky idiot, and her response was...? To paint a little picture? How...? She was so optimistic and bright, it was completely foreign to me, but I wasn’t complaining. It was refreshing. And all of a sudden, I felt so indescribably lucky that this girl had ever decided to give me the time of day, that she offered to be my friend, even my _best_ friend. I felt myself drawn to her, this intrinsic sense that I didn’t want to screw this up. I couldn’t screw this up. I’d never forgive myself if I did. I didn’t know how true she was to her word or how well things would go in the future (and trust me, I had my doubts), but what I did know for sure was that I couldn’t stop smiling.

I was jolted out of my jumbled thoughts when I felt the cold polish from the brush suddenly being pressed along the back of my hand. I nearly flinched, but Chae’s soft fingers gently holding my wrist in place held me steady. Before I could ask what she was doing, she was finished - having left a small turquoise heart to stand out starkly on my pale skin.

“Here, you should have something too, or else we won’t match anymore.” Chae explained plainly, as if was the most simple concept in the world.

This was so surreal. My chest was light. My chest was _never_ light. For a few short, precious moments, my stress and irrational fear was gone, and it was just us there. On Yerim’s rug, in her room, painting little pictures on each other with nail polish. I felt like someone normal, someone who could just _do_ this and hangout with their friends and not spend hours fretting in preparation beforehand. I felt like someone who could actually _have_ friends and not assume it was some sort of trick, someone who could have fun without thinking everyone was laughing at me behind my back. I’d _never_ felt like this, _never_ , not _once_. All I could think to do was laugh lightly, almost cautiously, which made Chae giggle. My heart fluttered at the sound.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway snapped me straight out of all of that. “Heyy, what’re you guys laughing about in here??” It was Yerim. She quickly skipped in and literally jumped to be at our side on the carpet. I felt my chest already starting to tighten, not by any fault of Yerim’s, but just because the more people there were, the more margin for error there was for my social interaction abilities.

Yeojin was quick to follow her friend, and she sprinted in like a charging bull only to skid to a stop and kneel at our side. A sort of semi-circle had formed now. Chae’s lips parted as if to respond to Yerim’s initial question, but Yeojin piped up and I knew that the entire conversation was hers now.

“Nail polish?!! OOOH! Yerim, paint my nails!” She reached clumsily into the box of nail polish with both of her hands, fishing through all the colors with unnecessary sloppiness.

Yerim grumbled under her breath, “Ahhh, Yeojin, you’re messing up the patterns!” She halfheartedly tried to grab the girl’s wrist and prevent her enthusiastic sifting.

“Well I need to find a color, don’t I?”

“Why, you’re just gonna pick orange!” Yerim protested.

Yeojin paused for a few seconds before resuming her search again, “Well now I _have_ to _not_ pick orange to prove you wrong!”

Chae sighed audibly, moving in the semi-circle to instead sit more at my side. I think she was worried that I’d get overwhelmed again now that they were back, which was true, and was happening, but it was to a much lesser extent than before and I could manage it.

Knowing that she was there made things seem _way_ less scary.

***

I got home that night right as the sun set. Dad had picked me up on his way home from work, which was relieving, since he’d interrogate me less about how my time was than mom would. As soon as I walked through the door, though, mom was already hurling questions my way. More than anything I was _exhausted_ , having experienced more social interaction that day than I probably had in the past month. I wasn’t used to it, and I felt like I needed to sleep for twelve straight hours, so more than anything I did _not_ feel up to divulging every single detail of the encounter to my curious mother.

“Hello honey!! You were gone for a while, was it fun?” She asked me from the kitchen as she made dinner. I almost headed toward the stairs, but as dad walked by to his office he gently nudged the small of my back and pushed me in mom’s direction, wordlessly telling me to talk to her at least a little. Alright, fine.

For once, when I answered her question it wasn’t a veiled lie to make her feel better. It had some truth to it. “Yeah. It was pretty fun...” _Thanks to Chae._ I added on that last thought only to myself. Mom didn’t need that many details.

“Ah! I’m so happy to hear that...” She did a quick peripheral scan of me up and down, but stopped still when she noticed my hand. “Oh, what’d you get on you? Is that marker?” She actually went so far as to come over, clasping my wrist and examining me. “Is this nail polish?” I nodded sheepishly and she made a concerned _tsk_ -ing sound, “Oh no no, honey you can’t just have nail polish on your skin like this. The chemicals are dangerous.” I was then carted to the bathroom where she gently scrubbed Chae’s turquoise heart from my skin. I wished she didn’t, but I wasn’t sure how to tell her that without her asking why it mattered. And the problem was, I wasn’t sure why it mattered to me either. I just didn’t want to lose it.

Once I got to my room I wanted to fall face-first onto my bed and pass out, but I forced myself to get some homework done. If I didn’t, they’d just manifest themselves into stress dreams. While I sat slumped at my desk, trying to do math with lidded eyes, there was a knock on my door.

My dad let himself in without waiting for a response, as per usual, “Hi honey. Working?” He asked, leaning against my door frame.

“Yeah... just math.” I told him, not mentioning how much trouble I was having. He might try to help, when in reality he wasn’t very good at math either, so it wound up frustrating him more than anything else. If only one of us had to be frustrated, I’d let it be me.

He nodded, “Just wanted to pop in and say goodnight.” That was fine. He did that sometimes, when he remembered. “Don’t stay up too late, yeah?” I nodded obediently, straightening my posture as much as I could in my sleepiness. He started walking off down the hall, but then he seemed to remember something and he popped back into my view, “Oh, forgot to mention - I found out the name of that Jeon girl.”

My chest tightened suddenly. I’d almost completely forgotten about that dinner conversation - so much had been going on. Had it really bothered him that much, he’d investigated further to get her first name...? Was it that big of a deal? Was I wrong for thinking it _wasn’t_ a big deal? Maybe it was... we didn’t have anyone who wasn’t strictly straight back in my town, and practically everyone went to the same church. My head started to hurt and question itself even more. Religion had always been a big part of my life, but it was never of my own volition. I was just brought to church by my parents because, well, they were going, and so was I. So I’d sit there and listen and always do as I was told, and I believed some of it, of course I did. It just... I dunno, it was never at the forefront of my mind like it was for mom and dad. Maybe that was it. Either way, I found myself tensing up from what he’d said.

“Oh...?” I did my best to sound indifferent, not quite sure how he wanted me to sound.

He nodded, “Heejin. Jeon Heejin.”

My heart practically stopped.

Heejin like... the Heejin I knew...?

I did my best not to let my face visibly fall. I didn’t want him to know I’d met her, that I’d spent time with her, even outside of school. She was such an integral part of the friend group, and if he said he didn’t want me to hangout with her, that might mean that I couldn’t hangout with any of them by proxy. No, no no no, I’d gotten _so_ lucky to meet them. Heejin didn’t seem... bad, and she didn’t really seem like a lesbian to me either. But... what did a lesbian even seem like? I didn’t know. Did they just like... openly kiss girls? Or something? Or flirt with every girl? She hadn’t flirted with me. Was she going to flirt with me? Did lesbians flirt with everyone? Oh Jesus, my mind and heart started racing. What was I expected to do with this? Was I supposed to do anything with this? Should I not spend time with Heejin, even if my dad didn’t know about it - just because my own religious principles said I shouldn’t? Or did they not matter, because Heejin was a nice girl and that came first? Or did that get cancelled out because of her sexuality? Or were they totally separate things? Or did it not matter at all? Or did it matter the most?

I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything, I’d never been faced with anything like this before. All I could do was slightly turn back to my work, partially frozen but not wanting to match his gaze because I couldn’t keep my shock from my face.

“Have you met her?” He asked me, his tone... daunting.

I’d have to lie. I knew I did. Although I was incredibly confused and conflicted at the information, I didn’t want him to tell me not to spend time with the only people who’d shown me any kindness since we’d moved there. I didn’t want to be socially stranded again and start at square one. I didn’t want to lose Chae, right when I’d started to realize just how naturally drawn I was to her. I don’t think I’d ever really lied to my dad, at least not as directly as I did then.

“No.” I gripped my pencil tightly to stop my hands from trembling, and made my voice as steady and convincing as I possibly could.

He believed me. Thank _god_ , he believed me. But what he said next made me tense up even further. “Alright. Well, if you do, I want you to keep your distance. All those... _types_ are twisted.” I shut my eyes, my chest so tight it was like I couldn’t even breathe. “Nothing I want you associating with. Okay, honey?” I couldn’t talk. There was no way. All I did was nod timidly. He walked over to me and placed a gentle kiss atop my head, “Night.”

I had plenty of stress dreams that night.

Things were _so_ different here.


End file.
